Entrusted, Not Entitled

... how Jud (and the baby in my womb) is and is not mine. 

Since my pregnancy, folks have told me that God is blessing us with a new child because we deserve it.

These statements unsettle me because I know they're are not true. The truth is:

• I don't want to get what I deserve. If life were completely fair, I would be in hell, getting just punishment for the times that I have been cruel, hateful, selfish... There would be no hikes in the mountains, conversations with my husband, friends to enjoy, or reciprocal smiling with Jud. Instead of me being treated fairly, Christ Jesus carried the punishment for what I deserve on the cross. He took on my wickedness and gave me his goodness. This is unfathomable, and undeserved kindness. Anything beyond this is undeserved favor upon favor. 
• I have not done anything to earn the right to be a parent again.  Rather, the Lord has been rich in kindness to place this person in our lives. If we believe that we earn the right to be parents, then why are prospective inmates procreating? Why do any of us who are imperfect people get the opportunity to parent. It is not because we are good and entitled. 

Jud was mine. He was mine to nurture. He was mine to protect. He was mine to cherish. He was mine and Steve's to shoot forth against the darkness. 

Jud was not mine to hold onto with white-knuckles of control. He was not mine to determine when he came or when he went. Ultimately, Jud was not mine to keep. Jud was His. Always has been. Always will be. 

Having another child is so much greater than gratifying the longings of two middle-aged adults. God willing, the baby in my womb will point to Him and ultimately be marked His, too.